Circle Jerk : Why The ARIA Charts Are Fucking Meaningless

I heard today that Denis Handlin, Chairman & CEO, Sony Music Entertainment Australia & New Zealand and a man responsible for clogging this nation's airwaves with meaningless bullshit for two decades now (who I will begrudgingly admit also does donate a lot to charity), has been elected as Chairman of ARIA. This seems fitting that a man who has profited off irrelevant and mostly terrible music be chosen to head such an obsolete organisation.

Before I go on to discuss the inherently corrupt and conflicted framework of ARIA, let me say a few words about Mr Handlin, (other than the fact that if you change the first letter of his name to 'P' you get a pretty good illustration of his role in the Australian music industry.) This is the man who brought us Men At Work, Midnight Oil, Daryl Braithwaite, Silverchair, Delta Goodrem, Tina Arena, Human Nature, Pete Murray, Rogue Traders, Guy Sebastian, Jessica Mauboy, Shannon Noll and Natalie Bassingthwaighte, and while this should be enough to have him hung drawn and quartered for subjecting us to such insidious sonic torture, he was actually awarded the title of Member of the Order of Australia (AM) in recognition of his “service to the music industry, particularly through the promotion of Australian musicians, to professional organisations, and to the community through fundraising for charitable organisations.”

Now I want to be fair, he has done a lot of charitable work, but recognise him for that, he has done nothing to further Australian music, if anything he has popularised the idea that we are a) a bunch of listless bogans or mildly articulate cry babies, or b) completely lacking in any original identity and have to pathetically imitate the worst bullshit that filters down for the US. It's a well known fact in the industry that under his guidance, Sony Music hasn't been able to sell an artist to Sony US in years, while bands like The Drones, Bridezilla, PVT and The Dirty Three have to go overseas to get a decent record deal. Admittedly this is probably for the best as I would never wish that these artists sign to Sony, but so far as promoting Australian music, Handlin has done this nation's a massive disservice by promoting musicians who can only be popular domestically because of their lack of originality or innovation making them seem stale as part of a global scene, with their domestic success mainly facilitated the iron grip the majors have over the music media here.

Which brings me to my main point. The record labels control the ARIA Charts. Apart from the fact that a lot of the people who make up ARIA are from record labels, the way the chart works is by tracking distribution not record sales. This means that if a record label wants to give the impression one of their shit eating pop stars is wildly popular they can flood the retail market with copies, the album being awarded Gold or Platinum Status regardless of whether 99% of them were returned to the record label. This is also how the ARIA Awards are determined for the most part.

In an era where most people get their music from sources outside the traditional retail industry, ARIA is completely irrelevant and essentially no more than a tool the music industry use give each other self serving praise and to promote their vacant wares, eclipsing what little exposure genuine artists can achieve. It's a big shiny blindfold they wrap around your eyes before gang raping you like the inbred hicks they are. So the next time you see some pointless pop star receiving an ARIA award remember that is was bought and paid for by some bloated industry cunt high on their own sense of self importance and corrupt influence.